Sexy Underwear

On Saturday, my husband and I were getting ready for a date night. I'd been looking forward to it all week. By Wednesday I had already planned my date night outfit. I looked amazing, well, in my head. Probably because my imaginary self has a Barbie-like waist. Oh and C-cups.

As the afternoon crept by, I excitedly hopped into the shower. I even shaved me legs....ABOVE MY KNEES! I hadn't done that in probably...a year? I have blonde hair, don't judge. Ok, you can judge, just not to my face.

I toweled off, put on some sexy tights, and slipped my casual black dress over my head.

Damn, I looked....human! I was quite proud, even minus the C-cups. I wasn't even going to let the little muffin top above my tights waistband get me down. And...I even put on SEXY UNDERWEAR!

You know, the kind that's black. With lace. That doesn't go up to one's bellybutton.

As fate would have it, right as I was admiring myself in the mirror, I heard the sound of puking coming from Jacob's room. He had been taking a nap, which was pretty unusual.

And, like the wonderful mother I am, my first and only thought was, "SH*T! Not on date night." Maybe he ate something bad? Maybe it was a fluke? I rushed into his room to find him tangled miserably in his sheets. I gave him a tiny bit of 7-up to see if that would settle his tummy. 2 minutes later a heavy stream of projectile 7-up shot across the room, missing my patent leather shoes by mere milimeters.

That's when we made the dreaded call. The deflating, saddening call to cancel our babysitter (husband's mom). I guess in the end, it was the right decision. Because within an hour and for the next 17 hours after that, I was puking my guts out too.

See?! That's what I get for putting on sexy underwear!

As I lay dying and febrile in bed, the wedgy-giving powers of my sexy underwear were constantly there. As if reminding me of the irony. As if laughing at my pain. As if warning me to never tempt fate again.

Even if it's the only good to come from my miserable weekend, take that as a lesson for you all. Skip the sexy underwear.