Mommy Cry-A-Thon

My tummy is in knots. I came home, cuddled my baby in the spare kid bed, and had a mini-mommy-cry-a-thon. I can't really explain my emotions. It's more than likely a multitude of burdens and emotions all mushed together that are beginning to run me down.

So I held my baby. He bobbed his head back and forth as I sang him songs. He nestled into my shoulder beforing popping back up to play with a teddy bear. His chubby little fingers reached for and clasped around the bars of the bunk bed with intense concentration and great interest.

I thought cuddling him would make me feel happy but every little thing he did made me cry harder. Just watching him--my sweet, chubby, happy baby--reminded me in so many ways how he was soon NOT going to be my sweet, chubby, happy baby but a busy and lively toddler.

Most of the time I'm so insanely busy that I rarely have time to digest what is going on. It's rush, rush, rush all day with barely time for a potty break (this is why I don't drink liquid at work- no time to go potty!). I'm so focused on what needs to get done right away that I pocket my reactions for a more convenient time. When I finally stop and take a breather, all those reactions escape at the same time and the result in an overwhelming conglomerate of emotions that turn me into a confused puddle of tears.

The muddled mush of feelings I felt today resulted from the following:

• A text from my sister-in-law telling me my baby was taking his first steps (and I was missing it).
• The sinking realization that my baby is going to be ONE and no longer my little baby. This seriously makes my heart hurt. I don't remember this milestone being so painful with my first baby.
• The fact that I blinked my eyes three times and my baby transformed into a toddler. It's hard not to blame working for the fact that Ryan's babyhood is going by way too quickly.
• The news that my sister-in-law will no longer be watching my kids during the day. OMG. I have to find a complete stranger to take care of my babies?! (My sister-in-law is so awesome with the kids. I'm sure no one can replace her!)

OMG. I have two weeks to find a replacement part time nanny. Don't panic. Don't panic. WAAAAH!

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Unrelated pictures from this weekend: