"But Mommy, I'm a ninja. Ninjas don't eat lunch when they are busy fighting bad guys." Jacob threw some kicks and punches in the direction of invisible teeth-gnashing, muscle-bulging giants, no doubt in a humble effort to save the universe.
"Ninja Jacob needs to eat lunch so he can get some energy to fight bad guys." Mommy sang aloud, her frustration-meter steadily increasing and in direct proportion to the shrillness of her voice.
Rude. "I'm not Ninja Jacob. I'm.....I'm.....I'm Ninja Slash. No, Ninja Slashboom." A karate kick nearly missed Mommy's face as the fearless ninja whizzed by.
A small, unsteady frame in blue plaid shorts suddenly entered stage right. He grinned comically, revealing a large gap between his two front baby teeth. As his lips parted further, mountainous teeth formations jutted haphazardly from his pink gums. He toddled towards a large bucket, lifted it up with much concentration, and plunked the bucket right onto his head.
"This is my side kick." Ninja Slashboom proudly raised his arms to the sky and announced, "Presenting Buckethead! The scariest sidekick on the planet!" As if on cue, Buckethead suddenly lost balance and, as the earth fell out from beneath him, landed loudly on his diapered butt. THUNK.
Buckethood pulled the bucket off and flashed his mountain-range smile once again as he quickly shook his head back and forth.
Ninja Slashboom was unphased by the comical show of his sidekick and continued to swat at the air before him, leveling giants with quick steady blows. "Take THAT! And THAT! Hai-ya! Can't catch me!"
Ninja Slashboom continued his valiant quest to rid the world of evil until Mommy, with no respect for the precarious fate of humankind, lost all patience and inflicted upon him the tortures of nourishment. The battle for the world would have to wait for another day.
***
Sunday morning arrived with the promise of scorching temperatures. Ninja Slashboom quickly arranged for transportation to the nearby wave pool, where there was rumored to be a bad guy invasion for later in the day. After suffering through some pesky errands and having to listen to Buckethead chat incessantly about "goo goo's" and "dah's" and other ridiculous baby topics, Ninja Slashboom's chauffer finally pulled up to the entrance of the wave pool.
Ninja Slashboom and Buckethead quickly assumed their aliases. No one would ever suspect these two innocent boys of being deadly ninja warriors. Or the unassuming stroller to be a bullet-proof flying air-machine.
As they entered the park, Ninja Slashboom was excited to discover that the bad guys had yet to arrive. Perfect! he would have the element of surprise! He was free to stake out the terrain, plant some traps, and traipse carelessly through the water fountains. But first: armor. Ninja Slashboom donned his super swim trunks and shed all other unnecessary clothing items- wouldn't want to be recognized, of course! He then slipped into his magical floating life vest and he was ready for battle.
"Let's go Buckethead!" Ninja Slashboom cheered as he charged forward, not realizing that if he HAD been in the presence of bad guys, his cover would have been blown faster than candles on a birthday cake. Buckethead was not quite ready.
Ninja patrolled the wave pool and the water fountains, on the lookout for any suspicious activity which might suggest that the peril of the planet was near. So far, no sign of trouble. Ninja realized this was for the best when he glanced backwards and saw that Buckethead had already abandoned his post...for a snack.
Ninja dove into the water, a welcome reprieve from the 85 degree weather. He came up for air only to discover that waves weren't the only things charging at him. Out of nowhere appeared a tsunami of heavily-armed foe. Ninja grabbed his sword from an invisible arsenal hanging before him and charged.
"Take that! And that! I got ya!" He jeered. Foe after foe fell away defeated. As Ninja continued to charge he wondered where his backup was? "Buckethead?! Where are you?" He spared only a mili-second to glance back at his vicious sidekick.
"Great. All alone" he thought as he pressed onward. But he was not discouraged. Four years of ninja training had prepared him for this very battle. Scratch that. Four and a HALF years. Just when he thought there were too many bad guys for one mighty ninja to handle, Mommy appeared yielding a surprise weapon. In her hands were two glistening popsicles. Without warning, the bad guys vanished into thin air.
Ninja cheered and pumped his fists skyward as he ceremoniously accepted one Sonic the Hedgehog popsicle. Around him the kids continued to play, completely oblivious to the legendary battle that had just taken place before their eyes. No respect.
Peace once again settled over the Pacific Northwest as Ninja and Buckethead enthusiastically enjoyed their rewards. As the popsicles slowly melted, so did all trace of the fearless ninjas.
Jacob took Ryan's hand and together they marched back to the car...where Ryan, grinning boldly, thwacked Jacob in the face with a blanket. Jacob erupted into a geyser of tears which then turned into a 30 minute long tantrum. On the way home, Mommy chauffer stopped to buy a bottle of wine.
