Monday, December 16, 2013

Elfy's Dirty Cousin Pays A Visit

Not long after Elfy (Jacob's Elf on the Shelf) joined us, we received a surprise visit from Elfy's cousin, Wolfpack. You may have seen Wolfpack's half-brother in the infamous movie The Hangover.

Wolfpack is not quite the charmer that Elfy is. In fact, he's kind of dirty. He doesn't shave. He's always wearing his sunglasses indoors (rude). And he's always carrying around a bearded Lego baby in a front pack. Lego Baby is notorious for popping open a can of beer before noon.

Neither Wolfpack nor Lego Baby are good rolemodels for my children. But Elfy is too kind to send them packing. "It IS the holidays," he is always reminding me. Personally, I'm ready to drop kick them out the door. This is a touchy subject that we are still finessing.

Meet Wolfpack:

When I first met Wolfpack, he was taking a bath in my favorite soup bowl/cup. Much like my children, he pees in his bath water.

That night, he drank too many beers and passed out on the floor. 

But he still woke up bright and early to corrupt Jacob's toy dinosaurs with stories about doing blow off a transvestite hooker's stomach. 

We all breathed a sigh of relief when Wolfpack disappeared for a couple hours. Until we received a collect call from jail asking for $10,000 in bail money. Santa, the bill is in the mail for that one.

When Wolfpack returned to our home, he completely disregarded my lengthy lecture about Cleaning Up His Act. Instead, he decided to do some snow angels in his leftover cocaine. I'm not quite sure HOW an elf acquires an entire cup of cocaine but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to forfeit that bail money.

Cocaine and train crossings do not mix. Wolfpack learned this the hard way....OR quite possibly, I may have paid Thomas for a hit on the guy. Whatever. I plead the fifth. 

After the pedestrian versus train collision,  it appeared that Wolfpack had  taken on a profound new perspective on life. He suddenly found beauty everywhere in the world around him. Or, more likely, he had exchanged his cocaine habit for a weed habit and was as high as the waistband on my dad's favorite pair of sweatpants.

But it's ok. Wolfpack is much more tolerable when he is high. 

*Please note that to complete this post, I had to google "how to do blow" in order to confirm that you can in fact do blow off of a hooker's stomach. I did not find an answer. But I really hope no one needs to review my search history in the near future.

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