Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Flood Of Chaos

I've scoured online resources. Made several phone calls. Set up meetings (my entire weekend is totally booked). Pulled out my hair. Held back tears. Fought the urge to scream. Resisted the urge to throw in the towel on this whole working mom thing (like I even have a choice...).

This whole childcare thing is so, so hard.

In the past, I've had a team of family member standing by to help me with my kids while I worked. Most recently, my mom has been watching my kids half the week and I've been paying my sister-in-law to watch the kids the other half of the week. Although it is never easy to leave your children with others, having family that I know and trust to be on the front line has been a huge relief and a huge blessing. In fact, I'm 100% positive that my family is the reason I didn't break down and cry every day for the first couple months I left my baby to go back to work.

But now...here I am...feeling overwhelmed, stressed, nervous, guilty as I try to judge complete strangers from their one-paragraph-long craiglist ads. As I interview people over the phone, a part of me is even bitter. These complete strangers get to spend quality time with my sweet children. Not fair. Not, not fair. Why do they get to have all the sweet day-time moments that I have to miss. Why can't someone pay ME to watch my kids.

Today was simply overwhelming. During my 2.5 hour commute, before I even arrived at the office, I stopped to buy overnight pullups for Jacob, I called to make a same-day doctor's appointment for Ryan. I called my husband and my mom to arrange for him to GET to his doctor's appointment. I exchanged emails with my sister-in-law to arrange for last minute childcare for Friday. I have to appear in Court nearly a good 2 hours from my home and I don't even know if I have anyone to watch the kids. STRESS!

Somehow, after I arrived at the office, between preparing letters to expert witnesses, conferences with co-counsel, and finishing touches on a motions, my non-stop work day was interrupted with occasional check-ins to see how Ryan and his fever/ear infection were faring, responding to emails from prospective part-time nannies, and phone calls for a fundraising event I'm helping to plan. At 5:35, I finally snuck out of the office, commenced my 2.5 hour commute home, stopped by my parents' to drop something off, and then finally arived home at 8pm anxious to wrap my arms around my children....only to find out that they were both sleeping. UGH!

When chaos from my home life spills into my work life, I sometimes wonder how the heck anyone lets me be a lawyer. I can't even organize my socks. How the hell can I expect to organize discovery and litigation efforts?

Good thing I have an entire drawer full of price-reduced left-over Easter candy. Cause tonight, I really need it!

No comments:

Post a Comment