Monday, August 13, 2012

One-Third....And One Turd

Someone around here is one-third of a year old, or 4 months for those of you lawyers who are bad at math (not judging, I totally had to double check that number with my fingers).

I cannot believe this guy is 4 months old. I can't remember what life was like before him. It's cliche, but it's so true. The week before he was born, I had a mini-panic attack at the thought of our family dynamic changing from 3 people to 4. But Ryan has brought so many blessings....and, yes, "blessings" is code for "factors that contribute to Mommy's sleep deprivation."

I left the office early today to meet my mom at the doctor's office for Ryan's 4 month check-up. I picked the kids up in the parking lot and we headed inside. Here's a little tip: if you have a 4 year old boy, do NOT bring him to the doctor's office. In fact, just don't bring him anywhere.

Jacob has a Playschool toy barn that opens up so you can put farm animals inside. Except all the animals have been evicted and it is now the home of 27 matchbox cars. I thought it would be the perfect toy to bring to Ryan's check up. Once again....I was outsmarted by a 3 year old.

The doctor walked into our exam room and began to ask me questions about Ryan's development as she checked his ears. Jacob decided that it would be an ideal time to dump out his cars.

"How has Ryan been eating?" The doctor asked

KABLAM. CRASH. Jacob dumped out half the cars.

"He eats about 5-6 ounces every 4 hours, I explained."

BOOM. CLANG. There went the other half.

The doctor looked at Jacob and asked if he could please play with his toys more quietly. Ooops. My kid was being loud? I didn't notice. I honestly don't notice noise anymore. Like when the TV is on all day and you stop hearing it. "Kid noise" has all become a background hum. And thank goodness for that. It's a mommy defense mechanism.

"Tell me about his sleeping patterns." The doctor continued.

"Well...." I began.


Jacob stopped dumping out his cars and was now sending them flying off the metal chairs. They were landing anywhere withing a 4 foot radius, crashing into walls, chairs, and other ill-fated toy vehicles.

"Jacob, please stop." I told him. He snuck three more zooms in before the threat of time-out convinced him to stop. I turned towards the doctor again when Jacob suddenly jumped onto the diaperbag and I heard an ominous "crack." What was that? I lifted up the diaper bag to discover my expensive prescription two distinct pieces.

"I'm sorry mommy! It was an accident!" Jacob said quickly.

"Jacob! You need to be careful. You broke my glasses!" My poor, poor glasses.

"But I said it was an accident!" He replied indignantly. In Jacob's mind, that phrase has the power to turn back time and undue things. Like when you call someone a dirty skank and follow the insult up with "just kidding!" 

By then, it was time for Ryan's shots. No matter how many times I've taken my children to get shots, as a mom, it just never gets easier. The nurse had me hold Ryan's arms while she pinned his legs between the exam table and her body. Jacob huddled protectively near his brother.

 As the shots went in, Ryan's face morphed from gummy smile to shock to horror in the matter of 1/5 of a second. But, thank goodness, it was over quickly. Ryan was such a champ and was back to his happy self not one minute later. We left the doctor's office having increased our wealth by two sparkly band-aids and one Spiderman sticker.

Finally I loaded up the car and we were off! While driving, I kept having to push my broken sunglasses back up my slippery, sweaty nose every 2 minutes, but we made it home with at least half of my dignity still in tact.

Then we snuck in some extra cuddles before dinner.

P.S. If you're wondering why pictures of Jacob are so scarce, it's because I ask him nicely to please get in the picture ....which, apparently is just so unforgiveable that it prompts him to act like a pint-sized jerk. Oh Threes, you sure make Twos look like a breeze.

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