Thursday, August 2, 2012

Spoke Too Soon

Today was hard. Hard.

I woke up 15 minutes before my husband had to leave the house with the boys. I got to cuddle Ryan for 7 of those minutes before they left. As I put him in his carseat, I started to cry. It was my first cry since going back to work (I say that as if I didn't cry Sunday night, or Monday night).  After they left, I went back to my room to pick out an outfit.

I saw Ryan's empty bassinet and the tears welled up again.

I popped into the shower and saw his baby bathtub. I remembered how much fun we had at bathtime last night. More tears.

I arrived at work and sadness just kind of hung over me. I dove straight into work and didn't lift my head up until about 10:30 when I found my mind wandering. It wanted me to feel sorry for myself. I blink some tears away and powered through until lunch.

I had to completely shut off the normal part of my brain while I was at my desk. I had to act like a robot. I completed an entire demand letter in 3 hours. I think that's my new personal record.

Every little thought triggered tears. I was so worried someone would ask me if I was ok. I knew that if I started to talk about it, the dam would break. At one point, I couldn't stop the tears. They rolled down my cheeks in hot, uncontrollable trails. I quickly stepped in the bathroom and just let them fall. After a couple minutes (which seemed like forever), I pulled myself together, fanned my face with a paper towel and rushed back to my desk, hoping no one would stop me and notice my puffy, red eyes.

"Ryan's fine." I repeated over and over.

"I'M FINE." I repeated even more.

"I'm fine! This will get easier! It will!"

Then I put my head back down and plowed through another demand letter.

Fast forward a couple hours and everything was right again:

You know he likes you when he tries his best to eat you :)

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