As I put Ryan down in his crib tonight (awake but sleepy), rubbed his back, and slowly tiptoed away, he curled his knees under himself in typical Ryan-fashion. I had a hard time leaving his room as he rustled peacefully into his sheets and nestled his soft cheeks against the mattress.
I recalled for a moment how anxious I had been before he was born. The days before he was born, I was so consumed with worry. I was worried he would throw a wrench into our family dynamic. I was worried that by loving Ryan I would be taking away some of my love for Jacob. I was also worried that I didn't have enough heart to love him fully. When Jacob was born, I thought I had been so full of love that my heart was filled to capacity.
Turns out, there is no such thing as maximum heart capacity. Turns out, even as a second-time mom, one can still be amazed by the ability of a tiny person to change how you love and increase both your vulnerability and strength at the same time.
He has taught me so much about both love and myself. He has doubled the amount of smiles and giggles in our home. And lately, he's been entertaining us all with his silly baby games.
Tonight, as we sat on the floor to play, Ryan took my husband's hand, opened it up, and placed a tiny ball in his palm. My husband tossed the ball back to Ryan. Ryan fetched the ball and did it all over again. He crawled to my husband, opened his fist, and placed the ball in his hand. They repeated this game over and over as we all laughed in amusement.
During his crawling escapades, when he comes across a sock or shoe, Ryan will stop mid-crawl, grab the sock, plop on his butt, and attempt to put the sock over his foot. When the sock keeps falling up and he will grunt in frustration as he tries again and again. Poor guy, he wants so badly to be big like his big brother!
When Ryan finds a bigger items of clothing, such as a shirt or pair of pants, laying stranded on the floor, he will grab it and place it on his head. No joke, he will sit on the floor with a pair of pants covering his face and do nothing but giggle and sing for a solid minute. Then he will suddenly and unexpectedly pull the pants off his face and scream in delight when he sees us smiling back at him. As with his other games, this will be repeated over and over for several minutes.
His little antics make his big brother roar with laughter and make us smile so hard that our faces hurt. Seriously, there are no games better than silly baby games.